How to Teach Children Honesty

It can be surprising, frustrating, and worrisome when your child first lies to you. It can also be really hard to know how to respond! Lying is actually a normal and necessary part of a child’s development. Though parents should teach their children to be honest from a young age, they shouldn’t be too concerned when their child begins to tell lies, because it’s a normal part of childhood that every child goes through.

Guest Post: Understanding Your Child’s Problem Behavior

Samantha Corralejo is a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at Utah State University.  Her research topics include parent training, time-out, and parenting interventions for Latinx families.  She has applied experience as a behavioral therapist and parent trainer in a variety of settings.

Why do they do that?

Ever wonder why your child is acting up?  Most parents have seen a range of undesired behaviors from their children like whining, tantrums, hitting, and… more tantrums.  Often your child’s motivation is clear, like the infamous grocery store meltdown because you said “no” to the cookies.  What if I told you that understanding why your child is misbehaving is the key to helping to change it?  I’ll review a few of the common reasons children act out and the tried-and-true ways to help change your child’s behavior for the better.  These methods have been used by families all over the world and are backed by research.

Time In: An Alternate to Time Out

The idea of positive time out, or "Time In," is based on the understanding that children do better when they feel better. Time In can help children learn many life skills, like the importance of taking time to calm down until they can think and act more clearly. Time In is a form of positive reinforcement through a connected style of parenting, rather than withdrawing parental attention when a child is misbehaving.

Parenting Pyramid

Have you ever asked yourself questions like, "What do I do to stop my child from fighting with their siblings?" or "What do I do if my child isn't completing their homework?" or "What do I do to get my child to clean their room?" Simply put the question, "What do I do when things go wrong?" is most often the question we ask ourselves in parenting. The Arbinger Company (1998) suggests first asking yourself, "How can I help things go right?" and then offers four more questions to ask yourself to help in the parenting process.

Guest Post: Go With The Grain: It's Not What You'd Think

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In wood-working or carpentry, there's a common phrase used as a general rule-of-thumb: "Go with the grain".  This principle holds true while processing raw materials, cutting specific pieces, sanding, and even finishing a project. In all of these instances, the recommended action protects against the wood splintering, unsightly grooves and scrapes that cut garishly across the visible grain, and subtle waves and brush-marks in the finished product.  In each case, the idea is to work with the natural strengths and vulnerabilities in the wood to minimize damage and maximize the appeal and integrity of the final product.  In many pockets of modern society, fathers are often regarded as the primary disciplinarians of the family.  It seems common to hear the phrase, "Just wait until your father gets home".  Even if nowadays the phrase is used mostly in jest, the sentiment behind it remains common enough.

Delaying Gratification

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 It is easy to give in to the tears and screams when your child just wanted a little candy bar at the checkout. But could giving into those desires be harming their development? Teaching children how to delay gratification is helping them control their impulses. It is important for them to develop self-regulatory patterns while they are young, so they can have appropriate self-control of their feelings and actions as they get older.

     An experiment by Walter Mischel, psychologist, tested the willpower of children. The “marshmallow test” was set up where a child was given a single marshmallow. If they wanted two marshmallows, then the child would have to wait until the researcher returned to the room with the second one. If the child could not wait to eat the marshmallow, then they would only get one. A video link to an example of the test can be found here. 

     As a parent, you may be wondering what you can do to help your child delay gratification. Here are a few things that can be done to promote self-regulatory behaviors with your child:

Make them wait.

The best thing you can do to help your child delay gratification is by making them wait. Watch to see if your child distracts themselves to avoid the temptation. One technique that can help the waiting process is by gradually increasing the time they need to wait. For example, the first time you tell them they need to wait only do 1-3 minutes. From there, you can increase the time so they understand the process of waiting.  

Labeling emotions.

It is easy for children to get carried away by their emotions. Helping them verbalize what they are feeling can help them understand how to control their impulses. Putting a word to their feelings, such as mad, angry, frustrated, or sad, helps them recognize their body’s reaction in a healthy way. Once they identify how they are feeling, it is important to set limits to help them understand how to regulate their emotions.

Don’t let the hot override the cool.

Mischel described impulse reactions in two different systems, “cool” and “hot.” The cool system helps us to think about our feelings and actions in perspective of our ultimate goal. All of that can be overridden by the hot system of reflexes, which leads to giving into impulses. To help children stay in control of their cool system, you can play games or activities that encourage self-control. “Red light, Green light,” and “Simon Says” test the child’s ability to stay in control and allows them to practice self-regulation.

Make goals and start saving.

Helping your child set goals teaches them the importance of working towards a specific outcome. If your child constantly asks for a toy each time you go to the store, encourage them to set a goal to work towards earning that toy. Set up a system where your child can earn money or points to buy it themselves. This teaches them how to save up for something they want. Other examples could be marble jars, sticker charts, or collecting tickets.

Sources: https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/willpower-gratification.pdf

-Hannah

20 Commandments of Toddler Discipline

Many parents expect the toddler years to be difficult, but effective discipline techniques can make the “terrible two’s” a little easier to handle. The following is a synopsis of an article found here. Remember that every family and every child is different, and some of these may be more effective than others. Pick a few of these to try out, and let us know how it goes!

Expect rough spots. Certain situations and times of the day tend to trigger bad behavior. Give your child a heads-up so that s/he is more prepared to switch gears.

Pick your battles. If you say no 20 times a day, it will lose its effectiveness. Prioritize behaviors into large, medium, and those too insignificant to bother with.

Use a prevent defense. Make your house kid-friendly, and have reasonable expectations.

Make your statements short and sweet. Speak in brief sentences, such as "No hitting." This is much more effective than "Chaz, you know it's not nice to hit the dog." You'll lose Chaz right after "you know."

Distract and redirect. Obviously, you do this all day. But when you try to get your child interested

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in a different activity, s/he will invariably go back to what s/he was doing -- just to see whether s/he can get away with it. Don't give up. Even if your child unrolls the entire toilet-paper roll for the 10th time today, calmly remove him/her from the bathroom and close the door.

Introduce consequences. Your child should learn the natural outcomes of his/her behavior -- otherwise known as cause and effect.

Don't back down to avoid conflict. Stick to your guns. Later, you'll be happy you did.

Anticipate bids for attention. If you don't provide something for your toddler to do when you're busy, s/he will find something -- and the results may not be pretty.

Focus on the behavior, not the child. Always say that a particular behavior is bad. Never tell your child that s/he is bad.

Give your child choices. This will make him/her feel as if s/he has got a vote. Just make sure you don't offer too many options and that they're all things that you want to accomplish, such as, "It's your choice: You can put your shoes on first, or your coat."

Don't yell. But change your voice. It's not the volume, but your tone that gets your point across.

Catch your child being good. If you praise your child when s/he behaves well, s/he will do it more often -- and will be less likely to behave badly just to get your attention.

Act immediately. Don't wait to discipline your toddler. S/he won't remember why s/he is in trouble more than five minutes after the bad behavior.

Be a good role model. If you're calm under pressure, your child will take the cue. And if you have a temper tantrum when you're upset, expect that s/he will do the same.

Don't treat your child as if she's an adult. S/he really doesn't want to hear a lecture from you -- and won't be able to understand it. The next time s/he throws his/her spaghetti, don't break into the "You Can't Throw Your Food" lecture. Calmly evict him/her from the kitchen for the night.

Use time-outs -- even at this age. Reserve time-outs for particularly inappropriate behaviors -- if your child bites his friend's arm, for example -- and use a time-out every time the offense occurs. (Even more effective is a “Time-In” – see more information about that, here.)

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Don't negotiate with your child or make promises. Try to avoid saying anything like, "If you behave, I'll buy you that doll you want." Otherwise, you'll create a 3-year-old whose good behavior will always come with a price tag.

Shift your strategies over time. What worked beautifully when your child was 15 months probably isn't going to work when s/he is 2.

Don't spank. Although you may be tempted at times, remember that spanking can teach kids that it is okay to hit if you are bigger.

And most importantly:

Remind your child that you love him/her. It's always good to end a discipline discussion with a positive comment. This shows your child that you're ready to move on and not dwell on the problem. It also reinforces the reason you're setting limits -- because you love him/her.

-Cami

When Kids (Kind Of) Obey

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It's always funny to me when you have a kid who you let know they're not supposed to do something, like "don't take food out of the kitchen" and they listen to you...in a way. They will take their food and stand on the edge of the kitchen, not quite in the living room, watching TV while they eat. Prime example, I told my 6 year old nephew to stay away from my wedding dress as my mom and I cleaned it, and he scooted so that he was only a few inches away from it, but not touching it, as requested.

I don't think I'm alone in being around kids who like to "toe the line" so to speak. When you think about it, it makes sense why they do it. Childhood is about learning and exploring their environment, learning the things they can and can't do, learning how to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and what will leave them in trouble. Here are some tips that I've found can be helpful with the "line toe-ers" in my life.

Speak in a calm voice

• With my nephew, yelling at him doesn't work. He will either cover his ears, or just get mad. When I am reacting, instead of calmly acting to his actions, we both end up upset.

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Explain why you have the limitations

• When I explained to my nephew why he couldn't touch my dress, that it was for my wedding and it can get dirty easily, he was much more willing to comply. Calmly explaining the reasoning behind my requests or denials helps him to learn and understand, and can take some of the mystery out of the objects. With my nieces and nephews when they're young, letting them know that something is "owie" would often prevent them from trying to get into something that could hurt them.

Give them something to relate to

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• Telling kids a story relating to the concept that you are teaching helps them to be able to understand what you are saying. I told my nephew a story about a group of people who weren't supposed to eat chocolate cake, since it was bad for them. A man got them to eat chocolate cake by first introducing chocolate chip cookies, then doubling the amount of chips in each cookie, etc, until the people were used to eating chocolate cake. I then related it to his actions, about trying to get away with some little things, and how it can lead to doing bigger things wrong.

Let them know it's okay to make mistakes

• We all make mistakes. It's part of learning. Letting kids know that it's OK to make mistakes, but that they need to learn from them, helps them to accept limits, and give them a secure environment to explore. 

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Explore with them

• When kids are curious about something, explore it with them! Then they don't have to break the rules to find out what they are curious about, and it gives you time to be together. When you explore together, kids can do it in a safe way, and you don't end up with a huge mess when they get into a cupboard or shelf they aren't supposed to.

What are some other ways that you have found help your kids to not toe the line and push boundaries?

-Kim

Discipline as Teaching

Discipline is often a very hard thing for parents, regardless of the child's age.  It is hard to tell young children "no" when they turn around and look at you with such a sad face, or when they do something that they're not supposed to but it's just so cute!  As children get older, discipline changes as children become more defiant, and test the boundaries that you give them.  Other children seem to be unaffected by timeouts, or other consequences given for their actions.  How can we effectively discipline our children?

My Nephew

Here are a few tips that can help:

1. Discipline means to teach - Discipline shouldn't be about punishment; rather, it is about teaching children what the correct behavior is, so that they can learn how they should behave.
2. Setting limits is essential - While it is hard to set limits, especially when we want kids to be able to learn and explore their environment and be kids, it is important for children to have limits.  Children want structure and stability, and want to know what the limits are, so they know how they fit into the world.
3. Good discipline is not an over-reaction, or response to anger - Sometimes it's really hard to not yell or over-react to kids when they make a mess, or break things.  Disciplining in anger is not as effective.  Accept that as a parent, sometime you need a timeout too, to calm down and relax so that you can see things clearly.
4. Be consistent - Consistency is hard, especially when it's at the end of a long day or week, and we are feeling stressed.  Often, those are the times that kids will push the most, and so it's the most important time to be consistent.



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5. Pick your battles - This goes along with consistency.  Sometimes it seems that all we do is tell our kids "no! Don't! Stop! Don't touch!" etc.  If we find ourselves doing this, and are having a hard time being consistent, we should take a step back and look at what we are telling them not to do.  Sometimes we might have to let some rules go, so that we can enforce the ones that matter most for the safety and well-being of our children.
6. Show love - When kids feel like they did something wrong, and are being punished, it is easy for them to think that we don't love them.  Letting them know that we still love them, and explaining our reasoning behind disciplining them, will help them to feel secure, and give us a chance to strengthen our bond with them as well.

These are just a few of the many tips to make discipline more effective.  What are some ways that you have found to make discipline effective in your home?

Sources: "10 Basic Points of Good Discipline" Copyright Center for Children and Families in the Justice System, 2004
"Power Struggles" Mountainland, Utah Valley University,
"Discipline and Limit-Setting from Birth to 24 Months" Copyright Zero to Three, 2009