Does Birth Order Impact Parenting and Child Development?

If you grew up with siblings or have multiple children, you probably understand the major effect that birth order has on family dynamics. We all know the stereotypes about how oldest, middle, and youngest children likely behave and what their place in the family means about their future achievement and success. Everyone probably has a story about how they were impacted by older or younger siblings and how they were treated differently by their parents. I could probably write a book on my opinion and experiences with birth order and family dynamics (middle child here!), but I really wondered how much birth order impacts a child’s development and the way parents interact with their children.

How to Teach Children Honesty

It can be surprising, frustrating, and worrisome when your child first lies to you. It can also be really hard to know how to respond! Lying is actually a normal and necessary part of a child’s development. Though parents should teach their children to be honest from a young age, they shouldn’t be too concerned when their child begins to tell lies, because it’s a normal part of childhood that every child goes through.

Is Your Child FUSSY?

A fussy baby, especially when mom and dad are tired or fussy themselves, can seem like the hardest hurdle in parenthood. There were several times when, especially in the middle of the night, I couldn’t seem to figure out what my daughter was trying to tell me. What was I missing? 

Toddlers and Touching

Before I get started I want to say that this topic might make some of you uncomfortable. However, as a Parent Support Specialist, who gets this question a lot, I feel it's important to address. The topic is toddlers touching themselves.

I often get a comment or a concern about a toddler who has started touching themselves in their private area and sometimes it’s in public. Parents don’t know what to do or what to say. Hopefully these tips can help when/if this starts to happen to you.

TO FIDGET OR NOT TO FIDGET, THAT IS THE QUESTION

What’s the deal with these fidget spinners?! Fidget spinners seem to be a trend that swept the country for those that are both young and old. They are selling out of stores across the country. Fidget spinners can be found in a large variety of designs, colors and materials. People have even come out with DIY tutorials on Pinterest of how to make your very own fidget spinner. Over 4 million videos can be found online both teaching the users how to do different tricks with their fidgets and showing off their fidget spinner skills. Many of the video creators are young children in elementary school.

Self Soothe Box: Calming Technique Using All 5 Senses

Wouldn't it be great if kids could calm themselves down when they get overwhelmed? Utilizing the five senses is a great way for kids to focus on something other than what is making them upset. Children who are more sensitive, whether they have a sensory processing disorder or not, can benefit from this technique.

A self soothe box is a small tote or box of items that help a child calm down, or stay calm, when they are in a stressful situation. The goal is to have something in the box for each of the 5 senses: touch, sound, smell, taste, and sight.

Guest Post: Understanding Your Child’s Problem Behavior

Samantha Corralejo is a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at Utah State University.  Her research topics include parent training, time-out, and parenting interventions for Latinx families.  She has applied experience as a behavioral therapist and parent trainer in a variety of settings.

Why do they do that?

Ever wonder why your child is acting up?  Most parents have seen a range of undesired behaviors from their children like whining, tantrums, hitting, and… more tantrums.  Often your child’s motivation is clear, like the infamous grocery store meltdown because you said “no” to the cookies.  What if I told you that understanding why your child is misbehaving is the key to helping to change it?  I’ll review a few of the common reasons children act out and the tried-and-true ways to help change your child’s behavior for the better.  These methods have been used by families all over the world and are backed by research.

6 Tips for Developing Independence in Your Child

We have probably all seen an "Elsa" or "Anna" at the grocery store when a child insists on wearing their Halloween costume in the middle of June. The clothes children choose to wear is one way children show their independence.

Helping your child develop their independence is an important part of helping them build their self-confidence. Parenting psychologist, Jim Taylor, says “If your children are independent, you have provided them with the belief that they are competent and capable of taking care of themselves…You gave your children the freedom to experience life fully and learn its many important lessons.”

Help Prevent Whining Using the Interruption Rule

I’d love to share another tip to help prevent whining before it begins!

A little while ago, I wrote a post about preventing whining before it begins. Essentially, it’s briefly stopping what you’re doing, letting your child share while you're on his level and responding appropriately. This is a fabulous tool to use to help reducing whining. Unfortunately, I found myself needing a reminder of this tip recently. We had family over for dinner and I failed to use this tip. Instead, I repeatedly ignored the same requests over and over while I was talking to adults. The truth is, in parenting, we have a lot of opportunities to try again and be just a little bit better as a parent.

Tips for Tantrums

Oh Tantrums...something every parent goes through, right? But why do they happen? What can I do when my child has a tantrum? Hopefully these tips can help you and your child work through tantrums.

First, lets face it, tantrums are not fun. They always seem to happen at the most inconvenient time and place. Maybe it’s at the store or a bank or a hospital. Sometimes it happens in public and that’s when it’s most embarrassing, right? Sometimes children get so out of control that you don’t even recognize your child anymore. They went from being so sweet to a ball of chaos all because you said it’s time to leave the playground and go home. “No! I want to play!”

So why do Tantrums happen?

Well, usually it’s because the child might be hungry, bored, tired, stressed, or overstimulated.

Sometimes, however, it might be their age.

If your child is 18-36 months, then tantrums are normal. Sorry…

During this age kids are trying to figure out their feelings and making their own decisions. It’s a hard life for a 3 year old.

I child might also fall apart if they are trying to succeed at something new. If a child is putting a puzzle together, but can’t quite get his fine motor skills to work he might just burst into tears.

Trying to get along with peers can also set off a tantrum.

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How can parents prevent a Tantrum?

First, if you are going out with your child, make sure they aren’t tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. Remember the snickers commercials?

Second, talk to your child. Make it clear that you will not be buying candy at the grocery store. If you do have to go through that aisle have your child close their eyes until you are out, or maybe they can bring their favorite toy with them to hug when they are sad about no candy.

Third, look for warning signs of a tantrum. Sometimes children will start to turn red or their voice will get higher when they are beginning to lose control. If you start to see these signs in your child take a moment to try and calm them down and understand what they are feeling. Use words like mad or sad so he’ll learn to use those words instead of acting out. Lastly, try to stop a tantrum in process with a distraction. Maybe going for a walk or singing a song together will help make them feel better.

How do you handle a Tantrum?

If you can leave the child alone and he is safe, let him be. Let him have his tantrum and walk away. Let him know that you know he can control his feelings and when he does you can talk about it. If it helps him soothe himself you can bring him a blanket or a stuffed animal. If you can’t leave him alone because you are in a public place, try holding him. Sometimes a firm hold or hug can help the child. Or take them to your car or outside to a field or park if close by. If your child starts to kick or hit sit them in your lap and hug his arms and put one of your legs over his legs. The parent needs to make sure that the child can express themselves, but not hurt themselves or others. Let the child know that hitting, biting, or scratching will not be tolerated. Your child might try coming back to you seeking comfort, give them your attention if they are willing to talk without getting upset. If they are still upset and come to you, don’t engage until they have calmed down, if you do engage while he is upset he will most likely fall apart again.

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When should I be worried?

Most tantrums last anywhere from 5-15 minutes. If they last longer and happen multiple times a day or a week talk to your doctor. Remember it could also be the age of the child. Also check to see if your child is hungry or tired, this may stop a tantrum from happening, YAY!

Lastly if you are really concerned and would like to have your child evaluated look for a child psychiatrist or psychologist. (Hint: call Help Me Grow if you need helping find this type of resource, we would love to help)

Source: Mastering Anger and Aggression, The Brazelton Way, By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D.

~ Miriam

When Kids (Kind Of) Obey

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It's always funny to me when you have a kid who you let know they're not supposed to do something, like "don't take food out of the kitchen" and they listen to you...in a way. They will take their food and stand on the edge of the kitchen, not quite in the living room, watching TV while they eat. Prime example, I told my 6 year old nephew to stay away from my wedding dress as my mom and I cleaned it, and he scooted so that he was only a few inches away from it, but not touching it, as requested.

I don't think I'm alone in being around kids who like to "toe the line" so to speak. When you think about it, it makes sense why they do it. Childhood is about learning and exploring their environment, learning the things they can and can't do, learning how to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and what will leave them in trouble. Here are some tips that I've found can be helpful with the "line toe-ers" in my life.

Speak in a calm voice

• With my nephew, yelling at him doesn't work. He will either cover his ears, or just get mad. When I am reacting, instead of calmly acting to his actions, we both end up upset.

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Explain why you have the limitations

• When I explained to my nephew why he couldn't touch my dress, that it was for my wedding and it can get dirty easily, he was much more willing to comply. Calmly explaining the reasoning behind my requests or denials helps him to learn and understand, and can take some of the mystery out of the objects. With my nieces and nephews when they're young, letting them know that something is "owie" would often prevent them from trying to get into something that could hurt them.

Give them something to relate to

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• Telling kids a story relating to the concept that you are teaching helps them to be able to understand what you are saying. I told my nephew a story about a group of people who weren't supposed to eat chocolate cake, since it was bad for them. A man got them to eat chocolate cake by first introducing chocolate chip cookies, then doubling the amount of chips in each cookie, etc, until the people were used to eating chocolate cake. I then related it to his actions, about trying to get away with some little things, and how it can lead to doing bigger things wrong.

Let them know it's okay to make mistakes

• We all make mistakes. It's part of learning. Letting kids know that it's OK to make mistakes, but that they need to learn from them, helps them to accept limits, and give them a secure environment to explore. 

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Explore with them

• When kids are curious about something, explore it with them! Then they don't have to break the rules to find out what they are curious about, and it gives you time to be together. When you explore together, kids can do it in a safe way, and you don't end up with a huge mess when they get into a cupboard or shelf they aren't supposed to.

What are some other ways that you have found help your kids to not toe the line and push boundaries?

-Kim

Being "Good Enough" on the Circle of Security®

This is a follow-up to our original post on the Circle of Security®.

Parents function both as a “secure base” from which their child can explore the world and as a “safe haven” to which the child can return when she needs comforting or reassurance. When we (as parents) can do a good enough job at this, our children will feel comfortable going out and discovering the world, learning new things all the time. They will also feel good about seeking help and support from others, whenever they need it, and to share their experiences so they don’t feel alone.

Typically, people are stronger on one side on the circle than the other. Some parents are much better at supporting independence and exploration (the top half of the circle). And some of us love to cuddle and protect, supporting safety (the bottom half of the circle). Take a moment to look around the circle and see where you feel the strongest!

This Circle of Security^® (see this blog post from 27 May 2015) starts to develop in the first year of life. As we grow from being a baby to being a child, and from a child into an adult, we internalize over time how these needs are met. “When I am scared, I can go to my dad and he will comfort me” or “when I am excited about a new toy, my mom will enjoy with me and she will let me take my time to explore it.”  We usually can’t put these lessons into words very easily, but we feel them in our whole being. 

You may notice that you find yourself uncomfortable with the opposite side. For instance, a parent who loves to stimulate independence may cringe at “coddling” their baby. Such parents are wary of creating a child that becomes overly dependent and can’t do anything on its own. On the other hand, a parent who loves to keep their child safe and secure may become anxious at letting the child roam too far. Such a parent may just want to protect their child from anything, whether it is truly dangerous or simply threatening the parent’s own sense of security.

For example, some parents have a hard time hearing their baby cry or seeing their older child upset. Most of us want to see our children happy! Parents who feel secure with unpleasant emotions know that children learn resilience and problem-solving from having difficult experiences. But some parents feel threatened by their children’s suffering, and it upsets them personally. This is related to the parent’s temperament but also to how their own Circle of Security developed when they were children. You can’t give what you do not have.

Young children are sensitive to emotions and to subtle expressions in parents’ faces, bodies, and voices. And when they notice that their parent is not comfortable with certain aspects of the Circle, children quickly learn to miscue their needs. Even though children do not come with a written manual, they all give out cues for what they need. These cues are signals for specific needs that the child has. For instance, reaching out his arms and looking up at his caregiver are cues that a baby wants to be picked up and be close to his mom or dad. Before they are a year old, infants learn that their caregivers are comfortable with some cues, but not comfortable with others. Discovering this (all without words), babies begin to send out “miscues” – a cue that is misleading or contradicts what the child really needs.

For example, if a parent really values independence, they may encourage their child to self-soothe, solve their own problems before helping them, and playing independently as much as they can. But all children need both halves of the circle. If the parent feels uneasy about comforting their child when she is upset, the child may learn that the only way to get the parents attention is by becoming whiney, or defiant, or out of control (whatever it is that catches the parent’s attention). So the need in this case would be: “I need closeness and comfort, mom” but the cue might be “I’m acting out so that you have to pay attention to me.” Some children learn to not express their needs at all, and they seem to communicate “I don’t need anyone”, while they still do.

As a real-life example, consider a 4-year-old girl who bumps into her little brother as she comes running through the room and crashes into her mom. Her mom is not happy with this and asks, “What did you do that for?” The girl shows a wide grin and her mom gets more irritated, “It’s not funny. You just hurt me, and you hurt your little brother, too. You’d better go into time out for a few minutes!” Upon this, the girl starts to whine, “No”, and she lets herself fall onto the floor. Later, they talk about it and she says, “Mommy, I was just afraid you were going to go away and I didn’t know when you would be back.” The child’s need in this case is closeness to the mom, and being assured that the mom will not leave her (or will be back soon). But the cue that the child gave was: I need boundaries and discipline, as I am hurting you and others. This is a miscue. If the parents only focus on the behavior, the issue is likely to continue, because the child’s need (for reassurance) is not met.

Miscues are very hard to deal with, because they are usually not obvious. As parents, we always need to figure out what is going on when children act out or get upset. Some patterns are clearly recognizable and straightforward (e.g., she acts like this when she is tired; she just needs a nap).  Others are not: we may keep correcting our child’s behavior over and over again, unsuccessfully, because the outward behavior is a miscue of what the real underlying need is. As parents, we can only try to find out what it is that the child needs. And trying to do this, until we find how to help our child, makes us good enough parents, even if we don’t get it right the first time!

We all have learned which cues (for which needs) are safe, and which ones we’d better cover up or ‘translate’ into another cue. As a parent, it is really hard to know sometimes what it is that your child needs in that moment. Sometimes, it is love, hugs, and acknowledgement of emotions (the bottom half of the circle). Sometimes, it is clear expectations for what the limits are (the top half of the circle). Often, if we are baffled by our child’s behavior, it is because they miscue us. It is up to us to do the detective work to find out what the underlying need on the circle is! 

-Ilse

How to Prep Your Child for a Doctor's Visit

As much as your child loves playing doctor, the real thing isn't always as fun. Many children are downright terrified when it comes to visiting the doctor or dentist. Finding out the reason behind the fear can help to make your next visit to your health-care provider a lot less stressful.

Here are some common reasons your child may be afraid of the doctor or dentist:

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Separation. Kids are often afraid that their parents may leave them alone in an exam room and stay in another room or the waiting room.This separation can be scary to kids who are about to undergo a mysterious examination.       How you can help: Stay with your kids when possible, and prep them for when it's not. Explain exactly what the doctor will do (listen to your heartbeat, tap your knee, ask you questions about how you're feeling, etc.). This will help kids to be more prepared and calm during the visit.

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Pain. Kids may worry that part of the exam will hurt, or that they'll need an injection. This is especially common in kids 6-12 years old. 

     How you can help: Be honest with your kids. Explain to them that a vaccine or having blood drawn will hurt a little, but the sting will stop quickly. Explain that these procedures can help prevent further pain and illness later. Being upfront with your kids will help them be more prepared and less panicked if the doctor decides to draw blood at the appointment.

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The Doctor. Some kids may be concerned about the doctor's manner. Speed or a detached attitude may be seen as dislike or sternness. 

     How you can help: When possible, try to find a doctor that has a reputation for being good with kids. More than anything, it's important to explain to your child that the doctor is there to help them. Help your child write down questions to ask the doctor before the visit so that your child feels more involved and connected with the doctor.

Encourage your kids to be open about how they're feeling, and be supportive when they voice their concerns. Here and here are some more tips about taking kids to the doctor. 

Let us know how it goes!

Mental Health Awareness Month

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May is National Mental Health Awareness Month! In our society, the topic of mental health has historically experienced a negative stigma and people often avoid discussing it, but it is certainly an important public health issue that needs to be recognized for its impact on children, families, and communities.

Mental health for children can look different than mental health for adults. For children, it could mean reaching developmental and emotional milestones. It could include learning how to cope with problems, having healthy social skills and a positive quality of life, and functioning well at home, in school, and in their communities.

Sometimes a parent sees serious changes in the way their child typically learns, behaves, or handles emotions; this could be the result of an emerging mental disorder. It is estimated that 1 out of 5 children experience a mental disorder every year. Not all mental and behavioral disorders can be diagnosed in childhood. Some examples of disorders that begin in childhood include:

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Behavior disorders
Mood and anxiety disorders
Substance use disorders
Tourette Symdrome

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To Parents: You know your child. If you have concerns about the way your child behaves at home or in school, contact Help Me Grow or talk to your child's health care professional.

To Youth: If you feel angry, worried, or sad, reach out to a friend or adult to talk about your feelings. Your mental health is just as important as the health of your body.

To Teachers: If you have concerns about the mental health of a student in your school, work with families and health care professionals so that those students can get the help they need and have a disorder identified early.

Tips for Teaching Toddlers to Be Gentle

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I recently heard a mom express her concern about her child's aggressiveness when she gets excited to see someone. How do you teach a toddler to be gentle? Are there a lot of moms out there wondering the same thing?

I collected the following information from various sites including:

• Ask Dr. Sears
• Disney Baby
• Advice For Moms, by Moms
• National Center for Infants

Why Aggressive Behavior?

Aggressive actions like biting and hitting are most common between the ages of 18-months and 2-1/2 years. At these ages, children do not always have the verbal language to communicate their needs; instead, they will communicate through their actions. Thankfully, "most aggressive toddler behaviors will lessen once the child is old enough to communicate by words instead of actions" (Ask Dr. Sears). 

Now, you might be asking "But what if my child still expresses aggressive behavior even when he or she has the verbal skills to communicate?"

Something To Think About (National Center for Infants)

No two children or families are alike. Thinking about the following questions can help you

apply the information below to your own child and family.

• What kinds of situations usually lead to your child acting aggressively? Why do you think this is?
• When your child acts in ways that seem aggressive, how do you typically react? Do you think this reaction is helpful to your child or not? Why?

Tips and Tricks for Handling Aggressive Behaviors

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1.  Consider the source

• In your child what triggers his or her aggressive behaviors? It might be helpful for you to pay close attention to the triggers that prompt your child's aggressive behavior by writing them down in a journal (Ask Dr. Sears). 

2.  Show toddler how to be gentle (Advice For Moms, by Moms)

• One mother found it helpful to "Re-direct her behavior and show her how to use gentle touches. Take her hands and physically rub them nice and gentle down your face and remind her that if she wants to play with anyone, she must use gentle touches. Use positive reinforcement for when she does it and time-out from the situation if she keeps doing it. Be consistent."

3.  Praise toddler each time he/she replaces aggressive behavior with gentle touch (Disney Baby)

• Here's a statement from a mom about her experience with praising: "The most effective affirmation I've given Elvie has been when she is being gentle on her own. She is so proud of herself for knowing what to do and how to do it that she tries to do it again and again, hoping I’ll notice. Go out of your way to make note of small ways your little one is being gentle and praise him or her for them. Gaining a new skill is big stuff for the toddler set, and your toddler will feel incredibly proud to have accomplished something new."

4.  Explain to toddler that hitting/biting hurts (Advice For Moms, by Moms)

• Here's an experience that helped one mother: "I went through this with my son and it was tough. For awhile it felt like nothing worked. So I started being immediate with his punishment. As soon as he hit I was telling him "No! Hurt! Hurt mommy!" And I marched his tail to time-out. It took a few times to get the point, but I really think if you're consistent - and if the punishment is immediate and forceful (like you mean business, not play), then it will all work out. For my son, the thought of "hurting" someone was very effective. He might get excited and hit, but he did NOT want to hurt anyone. Big lesson there."

5.  Offer alternatives for expressing frustration (Advice For Moms, by Moms)

• Here's what another mom found helpful: "You might try giving her another outlet for expressing her feelings. Give her a long cylindrical pillow she can use sort of like a bat and tell her that when she's angry, she's allowed to hit a certain spot (the couch or a chair, for example) but that she's not allowed to hit people and not with her hands. If it's not anger-based, then it sounds like she needs a good way to grab attention--get her a microphone and have her sing songs or tell jokes instead. Challenge her to find the silliest way to hug; hug your leg, your arm, just your hand, hug backwards. It's still physical contact, but sweet instead of aggressive."

6.  Discipline toddler when he/she hits others and move on (Advice For Moms, by Moms)

• Explain to your child the consequence that will follow if she does hit or bite someone. If your child does hit or bite, follow through with the consequence you had discussed with her. Be firm but try not to be emotional. Fussing over her may encourage her to keep hitting.

Do you have any tips or tricks that have worked for you on handling a child's aggressive behavior?

Why Exploration Matters

Exploration is important in helping your child learn about the things around them and how to relate to others. Simple things like a baby putting toys into and taking out of a container is an example of exploration. Children learn by testing the world around them. Here are a few suggestions from Parenting Counts on how you can help your child develop a life-long pattern for learning.

Think about safety first

Always pay attention, and be ready to warn your child about danger.

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Think about your child's view of the world

Be patient. Children of all ages learn through exploration, so do your best to remain patient if your child seems to take their time discovering the world around them.

Find ways to stay interested as your child explores

Research tells us that a parent's reaction to a baby's explorations will help determine whether or not he will continue a particular activity. In most situations parents become bored with an exploration activity long before the child does. So try to keep your facial expressions and body language showing interest and excitement.

Include your interests in your child's exploration

Toddlers in particular love to be included. For example, if you love gardening, give your child a small shovel and invite her to work alongside you.

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Be Creative

Give your child new experiences to try. For example, if he loves putting sand in a bucket, encourage him to use water instead. This helps him develop creativity and feel good about trying new things.

Expect some frustration

Remember that your child or baby is testing to see how the world works; the testing is not an attempt to drive you crazy.

Slow Down

See the world through your child's eyes and at his pace-you will both enjoy it.

What are some of your child's favorite things to explore? Do you have any recommendations on tips for allowing your child to explore?

The Effects of Trauma on Infant Development

Thank you to our Guest Blogger Dr. Karen W Malm, PhD., Licensed Psychologist, for contributing this post!

I can remember when I started working with preschoolers back in the early 1980's and the general belief of the psychiatric community was that trauma or abuse in children that young had no real long-term effects. Children could get over those issues readily and could move forward. Infant mental health did not even exist and the concept that an infant would have mental health issues was far-fetched. When Lenore Terr wrote her groundbreaking book in 1992, Too Scared to Cry, she described how psychic trauma affects young children across the lifespan. With the discoveries in the neurosciences, we can now look at how infant brain development is impacted by learning and experience and can see how trauma can impact infants and their long term mental health.

We know infants are not passively experiencing their world, but their neurons are actively making connections and growing into neural pathways. When an infant cries and is upset, he or she is trying to communicate a need for help. In a calm mother with good parenting skills, she takes the infant and swaddles him or her closely which helps control his or her limbs over which the infant has no motor control. Then she holds him or her close to her chest where her calm heart beat can help calm the baby’s heart rate and her steady breathing can help calm the baby’s breathing, and her soft words tell the baby, “shh, there, there, you’ll be fine.” This experience goes right to his or her brain and the neural connections to learn self-calming are made. 

As adults, when we hit our head, somewhere in our brains is that soft voice, “shh, there, there,” which triggers our ability to self-calm. In a home with trauma, such as with domestic violence, the mother is not able to engage in these self-calming behaviors. Her own heart rate might be beating rapidly, her breath might be shallow and rapid, and she is struggling to keep her composure and is unable to calm the infant. The infant not only does not get calmed, but also may get more stimulated and the neurons get short-circuited with over-stimulation. Replay this scene multiple times and those neurons for regulating emotions get short-circuited as well. Infants in these trauma environments end up with difficulty sleeping, feeding problems, and are hard to soothe. They may have difficulty with eye to eye gazing and being comforted by others. With neural networking, we can see that with ongoing reinforcement of these neural pathways, an infant could “learn” these habits. This would case long-term mental health issues and difficulty with regulating emotions later in life.

As mental health experts in the field of infant mental health, our interventions involve re-teaching these self-calming skills. This involves working with the mother and helping her learn how to be a calming person who can provide safety and nurturing to her infant. She needs to learn to use her own calm body to provide a model for her infant’s sensory system and developing brain. By making new neural connections, the infant can start the process of learning to self-regulate and self-calm; a healthy step towards positive mental health.

Here is a great video to supplement this article!

Tackling Temper Tantrums

 Temper tantrums can be extremely frustrating. We’ve all been there. You can be enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant, trying to finish your grocery shopping, or even just playing at home when your child has a complete meltdown. At times, it may seem that you are raising a tantrum monster. But take heart! Your child is not throwing a tantrum just to manipulate you. Often tantrums are the result of frustration, as your child learns to better manage their emotions and express their wants.

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Keeping that in mind, it can still be hard to deal with temper tantrums. Here are some tips to help manage temper tantrums.

1.  Remain Calm: As their tantrum rages, you may find yourself yelling at them to stop. If you get loud, your child will get louder as well. Try to remain calm. If you can remain calm, it will help your child calm down quicker. 
2. Don't Give In: It may be tempting to just give in and give them what they want. Especially if you are out in public. Try not to worry about what others may think. Remember that anyone who has been a parent, can relate. If you conceded and give in to the tantrum you are teaching your child that a tantrum will get them what they want. 
3. Don't Punish: We all get emotional. Remember that your child is still developing and learning how to manage their emotions and how to communicate their frustrations, wants, etc. Try not to punish them. Instead, try tip #4. 
4. Talk: Once your child has calmed down, talk to them. Talk about why they were frustrated. As you talk with them you can help them learn how to better manage their emotions. 
5. Be Prepared: Pay attention to what sets your child off. If the meltdowns tend to happen when they are hungry, carry a snack with you. If they get upset when it's time to transition from one activity to the next, try to give them a heads up. 

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For even more helpful tips visit The Baby Center website. What other strategies have you found useful in dealing with temper tantrums? Comment Below! 

Raising a Compassionate Child

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I sat there, amazed, as I watched my 1-1/2 year old comfort another little girl who was sobbing on the ground.

I watched as my daughter comforted this girl who she didn't even know and I wondered, 

where did she learn that?

How did she know that when others cry, they need a hug or someone to show them love and understanding? 

While some children are born with more of an innate sense of compassion than others, there are things that  parents can do to teach and cultivate compassion in children.

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1. Teach Gentleness

Physically model to your child what gentleness looks and feels like. Teach your child how to gently pet a dog by taking their hand and guiding it so they know what a gentle touch feels like. If he pushes or pulls or grabs roughly, explain to him that we use our hands to show love for others.

2. Be an Example

Dr. Jim Taylor, a professor of psychology from the University of San Francisco, says that as our children get older, they will notice the daily expressions of compassion we show others. They will notice our "comforting them when they scrape their knees, assuming dinner duties when [a] spouse is stressed out from work, or helping a neighbor with a home project." Children learn from these daily expressions that "compassion doesn't discriminate" and that "acts of compassion can be small or large...or given to friends or strangers." (Source)

3. Use Books and Stories

Books can be a great way to engage children in stories that teach compassion, understanding, and friendship. Parents can also read and tell stories to their children about compassionate people like Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, and Mohandas Gandhi.

4. Volunteer

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A great way to teach children compassion is to take them out into the community to serve others. This could be as simple as cleaning up a local park or bringing dinner to a struggling neighbor. Some bigger projects could include volunteering at a nursing home or food kitchen. Whatever service you provide, it teaches children to think about others. (This site provides a list of volunteer opportunities in your area)

5.  Monitor Media

Children often model the behavior they see. If they watch television shows filled with disrespectful language, bullying, name-calling, teasing, violence, etc. they are more likely to pick up those behaviors. As parents, we can monitor what types of shows our children watch and encourage shows that promote friendship, sharing, service, and compassion.

What ideas do you have for teaching and cultivating compassion in children?

Additional Tips:
Raising a Compassionate Child - Parenting.com
25 Ways to Teach Children Compassion

Managing Meltdowns

I am not a mom yet but I have been preparing for motherhood since the day I could hold a baby doll. Growing up, whenever I saw a child throwing a massive tantrum or becoming aggressive toward their parents, my immediate assumption was that the parents must be doing something wrong and that that would never be me! I don't think I was alone in my ignorance of blaming parents for crazy child meltdowns.  Is this not the epitome of annoying and frustrating for you all?

Recently I was forwarded an article titled, "Managing Aggressive Behavior in Young Children: 7 Positive Strategies from Kidpower for Preventing Meltdowns". I thought this article was great for anyone who spends any amount of time around kids. It is a little long so if you don't have time to read the entire thing, I have happily summed it up for you. 

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1.Understand that children sometimes have difficulty staying in charge of their behavior.

Children's brains are still developing and they do not have the same ability to control themselves that adults do. You can start teaching your child coping skills from a young age, which will teach them how to stay in control of their behavior. 

2. Identify and reduce causes of stress that trigger outbursts

Some commons triggers for children include: transitions, being too hot or too cold, needing more sleep, needing more space, being over stimulated, and needing more physical activity. See the article for more details. 

3. Teach children how to recognize and manage the feeling and actions that lead to unsafe behavior

The article suggests you actually practice with your kids! So make up some situations where your child might get angry and then have them practice walking away, closing their mouth, putting their hands away etc. Then, if a negative situation arises, you can remind them about what you practiced and ask them to show you what they know. The article lists a few different activities to try. 

4. Create a plan for how to prevent and handle outbursts

Different situations will cause different reactions, so prepare your child for a whole variety of them. Make a plan on how he or she should react when a toy gets stolen, when you say no, when their little sister hits them etc. 

5. Understand and stay in charge of your own emotional triggers

Don't lose control of yourself just because your child has lost control of himself. This one relates to number six which is to-

6. Be a powerful, respectful adult leader when taking charge of an out of control child

You are setting the example for your child on what is appropriate behavior, so plan accordingly as you address an out of control child. 

7. If you are responsible for other people's children, make a plan and get permission

The article is pretty long and much more detailed. Click here for the full article! If you have any further questions or concerns, post your questions below and we will be happy to help!