Coaching Your Child's Emotions

The ultimate test of parenthood is that moment when your child is screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the grocery store because of one word, “No.” Each parent will react differently to this situation based on what works with their child. When handling your child’s emotions, it is important to keep in mind how your reaction will affect their emotional intelligence. Even though something works does not mean it is the best style for your child’s development.

In his book, Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child, John Gottman brings up how having an emotional bond with your child teaches them values and morals. Practicing emotional communication with children teaches them the importance of being able to recognize emotions and distinctive feelings, A.K.A. Emotional Intelligence (EI). As a parent, it is important to teach your child how to understand their emotions through the example you provide for them. The following styles may determine how a parent my respond to their child’s emotions: 

• Dismissive: This parenting style may also be known as uninvolved. If a child is showing negative emotions or behavior, the parent will ignore or neglect those feelings.
• Example Phrases: “That’s silly” or “You’re not really upset”  
• Disapproving: Children who are expressing negative feelings will be criticized or punished by the parent for showing those emotions.
• Example Phrases: “I’m tired of your behavior,” or “If you keep acting like this        you’ll be grounded.” 
• Laissez Faire: The parent will accept and empathize with their child’s emotions, but do not set limits on child’s behavior.
• Example Phrases: “It’s okay if you’re feeling that way,” or "We'll try again tomorrow” 
• Emotion-Coaching: Parent is able to empathize with child’s emotions, as well as offering guidance to manage emotions and setting limits on their behavior.

There is no such thing as the “right” parenting style. We all have different personalities when it comes to disciplining children, and each child will respond differently to each style. This makes it hard to find the one right way to raise the perfect child. When I spend time with my nieces and nephews, I deal with each of their emotions differently. I lean more towards the laissez faire style when I am playing with the younger children, because I know their feelings get hurt more often. I want them to stop crying, so I give them a lot of hugs and tell them it will be okay. The older children tend to get the dismissive side of me. If they give me attitude or say something mean, I tend to tell them they’re being silly.

John Gottman emphasizes how emotion-coaching is a great balance between parenting styles, because it focuses mostly on teaching children how to manage their emotions.

The emotion-coaching parent follows these steps when working with their child:

“1. Become aware of the child’s emotions;

2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings;

4. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and

5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.”

(pg. 24, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Gottman)

As you read through this you are probably thinking, “I don’t have enough time to do this every time my child is upset.” We all know children tend to get upset at the most inconvenient times. Whether it is right before you leave for work, drop them off as school, or during your much needed grocery run. Overall, the more time you spend working with your child’s emotional intelligence will improve their ability to manage their feelings. A goal as a parent is to raise their child to be autonomous. Through emotion-coaching, children can learn how to appropriately manage their emotions on their own.

Information came from

Pages 23-24 in John Gottman’s book,

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

-Hannah

Family Safety Night

Fall is such a fun time of year! The leaves are changing, the weather cools, and there's so many fun holidays to look forward to. It is also a great time to talk to kids about safety.

The Gundersen National Child Protection Training Center recently has published a newsletter talking about family safety. The big question asked was "When is the right age to talk about personal safety with your child?" Their answer - there is no right age.

Children of every age learn about how to be safe. When babies are learning to crawl and walk, they

look to their parents to help protect them and teach them to be safe. Toddlers are protected from

running out in the street and learn that they can't go outside alone. As children get older they learn more about "stranger danger".

What the Gundersen Center does recommend is having a family safety night twice a year, keeping in mind that as questions and "what if" scenarios are brought up, or situations arise that need to be discussed, that those are addressed.

Since kids don't like to sit and hear a lot of information all at once, here's some ideas about how to make the discussion interactive and positive, to not scare children.

• Have your children trace their hands, and in each finger, write the name of an adult they can talk to if someone is breaking their personal safety rules.
• Choose a code word specific to your family that can be used if your child needs a ride home with no questions asked.
• Use the "what if" model by using scenarios to learn more about what your child already knows, doesn't know, and to encourage more conversation. These can include questions such as:
• "What if the person breaking your body safety rules is someone that we know and like? What would you do then?"
• "What if you get a bad feeling around someone, but don't know why?"
• "What if you're in a place where you don't know anyone, and are scared?"

Teaching children about what to do in various situations can help protect them from potential

dangers. Some situations to talk about with your children, as is developmentally appropriate, are:

• Stranger Danger - Which strangers are safe to talk to, i.e. police, moms with kids, etc.
• Good touch, bad touch
• What to do if they're lost
• What to do when they are in a situation that makes them uncomfortable
• How to say "No", even to people they like and care about

Having Family Safety Nights are a great way to talk about hard topics in a way that isn't scary to kids. It helps prepare children to know what to do if a safety problem comes up. It also helps children to not be afraid, but to be able to act if a threat to their safety arises.

-Kim

Source: www.gundersenhealth.org/ncptc/newsletters/from-our-experts/family-safety-night

Child Led Play = Learning

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Southern Utah Early Childhood Collaboration Conference in Cedar City.  Denita Dinger was invited to be the guest speaker and she shared a lot of good information about the importance of child-led open ended play.  Below is a list of words she shared that is the "Important Stuff" found in play...

Asking	Discriminating	Kicking	Pretending	Trying
Comparing	Deciphering	Leading	Questioning	Testing
Compromising	Exploring	Laughing	Reasoning	Tracking
Compassion	Expressing	Loving	Rationing	Understanding
Control	Failing	Manipulating	Relationships	Visualizing
Comprehending	Grabbing	Moving	Realizing	Volunteering
Collaborating	Grasping	Mimicking	Running	Walking
Causing	Giving	Observing	Rolling	Waiting
Challenging	Hopping	Objecting	Role Playing	Watching
Creating	Holding	Organizing	Showing	Wondering
Climbing	Imagining	Planning	Struggling
Crawling	Investigating	Participating	Succeeding
Coordinating	Joking	Practicing	Strengthening
Discovering	Jumping	Polishing	Solving

And there are many more words that could be used to describe children's play!  Isn't it amazing all the different things your child can learn through play?

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Denita went on to share five tips when it comes to open play:

1. Control your Stuff.  You must know what stuff you have and where it is so you can grab it at any time.  As children are playing and learning, they may ask for something to add to their play that will also expand their learning and you need to know where to find it!  
2. Plopper! Plopper (noun):  Anything that is placed in a child's environment with zero adult direction, demonstration or expectation.  Giving your child a new item and allowing them to explore different ways to play with it is a great way for them to learn.  Avoid showing them how to use it.  
3. Stellar Reactor.  By allowing your child to lead the play, they will try different "wonder if" techniques.  Allow your child to explore and try different methods.  By doing so, they learn how to react to problems and conflicts
4. Tongue Biter!  This is the hardest one for adults.  It would be so easy for us to swoop in and solve any problem that comes up.  Like said in #2, plop and then step back.  Allow your child to discover a method that works for them.  Don't try and show them the "correct" way.
5. Dissector of Play.  Observe your child while they play.  Do you see what they are doing?  They are learning!  Now's the time for you to sit back and enjoy watching your children play.

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What kinds of things do you like to give your kids to play with during open play time?

-Jodi

Preventing Burnout

Parenting requires constant energy. While it may seem like many children have an endless supply, most parents do not. Because of the lack of energy and high demands, many parents face burnout. In her Uplift Families 2014 Conference presentation Dr. Julie Hanks, a licensed therapist, discussed her emotional self-care strategies for parents.

Dr. Hanks defined burnout as a “state of exhaustion and lack of motivation due to prolonged stress or frustration.” And “the persistent feeling of trying really hard but not getting the desired results”.  At some point in life everyone will face these feelings of burnout at least once. Whether it be caused by self-expectations, a job, parenting, or any other reason, they all can be prevented by emotional self-care. This requires “an awareness and acceptance to internal experience coupled with the ability to respond to emotional cues in ways that improve your life and relationships”. In other words, we need to respond to our emotional cues.

Just like oxygen masks on an airliner, you must care for yourself before you can assist others. If your needs are not being met and you burnout, you will not have the energy to help those around you. A great way to help yourself and have good emotional self-care is to give yourself permission. Here are Dr. Hanks’ three permission slips parents should give themselves.

1.  Permission to feel and express a full range of emotion. Emotions are not good or bad, they are a natural thing that everyone feels that help guide our lives. If you need to, dwindle your emotions down to the 6 basic emotions: happy, mad, sad, scared, surprise, disgust/shame. “Fine” is not an emotion, so don't use it as one. Don’t shut your emotions down, as this can lead to physical illness, depression, and many other negative outcomes.

2. Permission to say “no”. Everyone has their limitations and being able to say “no” is a boundary that can help you prevent burnout and reduce stress. If you are uncomfortable with saying “no” come up with phrases you can use that don’t involve excuses, but that still respect your boundaries. 

3. Permission to seek your own happiness. It is your own responsibility to make yourself happy, not

the responsibility of those around you. They can help and support, but it is ultimately your job. You
don’t need to feel responsible for the happiness of your family, all you can do is provide love and support. Find something that you can do every day that brings you happiness, and take the time to do it. Doing something that makes you happy can greatly protect you against the feelings of exhaustion and frustration.

What other permissions do you give yourself to prevent burnout? Comment below with your ideas!

Source: http://www.upliftfamilies.org/parenting_tips
                                                                                           -Caitlin

National Hunger Action Month

September is National Hunger Action Month to raise awareness for the thousands of Americans who face hunger. In Utah, 1 in 5 kids don't have consistent access to nutritious meals.   Nutrition plays a key role in development starting even before birth.

Effects of food insecurity during pregnancy 

• Increase risk of birth complications
• Increase risk of low birth weight
• Increase risk of birth defects

Effects of food insecurity during childhood

• Higher risk of chronic illness, poor health, and hospitalization
• Higher instances of oral health problems
• Higher risk for behavioral issues
• Higher risk for aggression, anxiety, depression, and attention deficit disorder
• Poor school readiness and performance
• Delayed cognitive development

Take action and join the movement against food insecurity to make a child's future brighter. Get involved with your local food bank or other organization to help children and families get the nutrients they need.  

Sources: Feed America; Utah Food Bank ; Urban Child Institute; Household Food Insecurities

- Caitlin 

Trauma: How to Help Children Cope

 The morning of September 11th, I was getting ready for school when my Mom received a call from my aunt in New York telling her to turn on the news. We started watching just as the second plane hit. I remember seeing panicked people running down the street and news reporters describing the horrible events. As a seven year old, I didn’t understand everything I was seeing. Afterwards I thought that planes were hijacked on a regular basis, which gave me great anxiety each time my dad left for business or when we took a family vacation. I also thought that all big cities were attacked by terrorists, which made our trip to Chicago months later, terrifying. Luckily, I had parents who noticed I was anxious and who were able to listen to my fears and help me better understand the events of 9/11.

News and media today are often full of traumatic and violent events. While, as adults, we understand that there is still good in the world and the motives behind some of these events, often children lack understanding. They can have a wide range of responses which vary from developing anxiety, having nightmares, seeming to be disinterested in what’s going on, or can even develop eating disorders. Many children will be increasingly afraid about their own personal safety. The more directly a child experienced the trauma (i.e. having a distant relative vs. a close friend die), the longer-term reactions kids can have. That being said, be understanding of children struggling with these things, but don’t ignore it if serious issues arise, such as behavior problems or other concerning trends.

Everyday hassles can take a toll on children as well. Whether it be that the family is in poverty, experiencing a stressful home life, or other stressors, these can have a great negative effect on children.

Jamie Howard, PhD tells us that whether it be a major traumatic event, or an everyday stressor, children have a difficult time knowing how to cope and that it can become difficult for them to manage their responsibilities as children. These include learning and going to school, making and keeping friends, and discovering what they enjoy.

It’s important to remember to consider each child’s personality, age, and circumstances as you help them through a difficult event.

Tips for discussing the event with your child

• Be the one to explain the event to your child when possible, so that they don’t overhear it from media or other children. Explain the event as brief and accurately as possible, without including graphic details or giving more information than your child needs or asks for.
• Be honest and tell them the truth about what happened.
• Encourage them to express their feelings and fears - Some will be afraid for their own safety even if the tragic event didn’t happen in their own state.
• Let them know that you’ll do everything you can to keep them and your loved ones safe.
• Don’t project your own fears onto your children.

Tips for helping them cope with a stressor

• Keep a normal routine.
• Allow children to use pretend play to cope.
• Correct inaccurate conclusions that they have made base of the traumatic event.
• Limit media exposure.
• Help your child come up with a “coping toolkit” of activities and strategies they can use when they become anxious.

For more tips and information about this and other topics, contact Help Me Grow Utah at 801-691-5322.

- Help Me Grow Team

Sources: Talking with Children about the News, The Dougy Center, Help Your Child Manage Traumatic Events

Brush, Brush, Brush Your Teeth

Teeth. Most of us have 'em and we want to keep 'em right? Well in order to do so we need to take good care of them starting early! 

At the July Utah County Aspire Parent Group, we had the privilege of listening to a presentation  from the Utah Department of Health on Pediatric Dental Hygiene. They have created a curriculum on awareness and prevention and are giving presentations all over the state to make sure kids are having healthy teeth. Among the great advice that was shared, Stephanie included a great little tip that is easy to remember and can help parents and care givers help keep their kids teeth health, both when their kids are young and as they grow into their adult teeth. 

Pop at parties
Milk at meals
Water whenever
Juice just once a day

Try this out and let us know what works best for you! Here are links to a few other blog posts on oral health:

Teeth, Teeth, Teeth 

Keeping Teeth Healthy, The Fun Way

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It is very important to keep your baby's teeth healthy and strong even when they are young, so that when their adult teeth come in, they will already be in the habit of cleaning on their own and their gums will be better prepared to keep their teeth healthy!

For more information on our monthly Aspire Parent Group, visit our website by clicking here.

-Hillary

Helping Your Child Cope with the Loss of a Pet

The death of a pet can be very emotional and difficult, especially for children. While as a parent, you may want to protect them from the pain, it can be a great opportunity for you to help them learn and practice healthy coping skills.

It is important to break the news in an age appropriate way. Take into consideration the age of our child and how much they need to hear before telling them the difficult news. Make sure that you are honest about what really happened, don't use phrases such as the pet "went to sleep", as children can interpret it literally. It is okay to use the words "death" and "dying".

Incorporate your own understanding and belief about death to provide more comfort and closure. It's also okay to be honest and say that death is a mystery or that you don't know the answer to their questions.

Help your child cope with their emotions by talking to them about it when they are ready. Help them to understand that it is natural to feel the emotions they are having. Showing your own grief from the loss of the pet can also help your child understand that it is okay to feel sad and discuss emotions, and that they aren't the only ones grieving.

Help your child move on from the grief by helping them remember their pet in a positive light, such as sharing funny moments or project to remember them by. Most importantly help them know that the grief and pain will eventually fade.

Information from this post was taken from: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/pet_death.html

-Caitlin

Uplift Families Parenting Conference - GIVEAWAY

Utah’s First Lady Jeanette Herbert created the initiative Uplift Families to connect parents to resources and information that would help them gain the skills necessary to raise loving, responsible children.

“Our organization believes that to have a strong viable state, we must have strong viable families.” - First Lady Jeanette Herbert

The vibrant website, upliftfamilies.org, includes free links to outside resources, videos, and articles that support the 3 fold purpose of Uplift Families: strengthen parent-child relationships, provide tools and resources that improve parenting skills, and help children make safe and healthy choices.

Under the parenting resources tab, the three step process allows families to make selections that will directly link them to credible websites and community resources to get them the information they seek. As well as referring those who wish to speak with a person directly about their concerns or needs to 2-1-1.

Article authors include Doctor Julie de Azevedo Hanks, lawyer and life coach Merrilee Boyack, and parenting experts Richard and Linda Eyre. They cover topics from Financial Health to Pornography, 5 Ways to Foster Truth-telling to De-stressing at the Holidays. Each article aims to help parents address common and difficult issues that many families face. With personal experiences and professional advice, these prove to be a great read.

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The Youtube channel houses TIPS clips from annual conferences that address a variety of topics.

Uplift Families will be having an annual parenting conference on September 19, 2015 at the Thanksgiving Point Show Barn in Lehi. Individual tickets are $15, couples are $25. Use code $5offUF to receive a five dollar discount. 

For more information on the parenting conference, click here.

Help Me Grow is giving couples the opportunity to attend, on us! Five comments on this post will be randomly selected to receive a couple’s ticket to the event on September 19th which includes dinner and dessert!

What is your favorite feature of the Uplift Families website?

- Amanda