Teaching Children Emotional Intelligence

 Emotional intelligence is so important for your children to learn while they are young. Most of us use the same 3 to 4 words about how we feel when we are asked “How are you?” However, encouraging children to use words other than “good” or “fine” and to use words like “excited” or “worried” or “curious” will help them recognize feelings and to use their emotions effectively.

Orchid Children

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Orchids are tricky: they need just the right type of care to bloom. Water them too much (or too little), give them too little sunlight (or too much), and they wilt and wither. But with the right kind of care, orchids beautifully bloom – each in their unique way. Could the same be true for children?

A recent theory states that some children are “orchids”, while others are more like dandelions. Dandelion children are very sturdy: they need love, of course, but it doesn’t matter so much what specific care they get. Orchid children are much more sensitive: they notice the little things going on in the people and places around them – both the positive and the negative. Is one of these flowers better than the other? No, we need both of these types of flowers – and many more. Most likely, there are as many sorts of children as there are sorts of flowers! But the orchid-dandelion analogy is helpful in understanding why some children seem so much more difficult to parent than others – and why it is worth it to try and find the best way to care for each of these ‘flowers.’

Orchid children can be challenging because they are more vulnerable to negative influences. They 

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might have a more delicate temperament: even as little babies, they startle easily, cry a lot, and need a lot of soothing. They also might have genes that predispose them to certain patterns of behavior and emotions, such as problems with anxiety or defiance. But while orchid children are more vulnerable on the one hand, they also can bloom more exquisitely when they receive loving care and attention.

One group of researchers studied children that were easily angered – even at age 7 months – and compared them with children with a more mellow temperament. They found that anger-prone 15-month-olds were very willing to help their moms clean up some toys – but only if their moms had been responsive to their needs when they were 7 months old. The same children were extremely unwilling to cooperate with their dads – but only if they had an insecure attachment. If they felt secure with their dad, they eagerly helped him out! In other words: these challenging little children that easily became upset and mad were the most enthusiastic little helpers when they felt loved and connected with their parents!

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Another study found that 2-year-olds with a “difficult temperament” (who are very emotional and difficult to soothe) actually had fewer behavioral problems at age 3 than toddlers with an easier temperament – but only when their moms were very responsive to their needs. The same researchers also followed children until they were 10 years old. Again, the ones who were more vulnerable and prone to anger were the ones who were most willing to cooperate with their parents – but only if they had received positive parenting between 2 and 6 years of age. 

The bottom line? If you have a child that is particularly challenging and hard to parent, you may have an orchid child. It is likely that he or she will thrive all the more with loving support and positive parenting. Challenging? Certainly, but the rewards are worth it! 

-Ilse

More reading:

The Science of Success, by David Dobbs, The Atlantic: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/12/the-science-of-success/307761.

Studies cited:

·         Kochanska G, Aksan N, & Carlson JJ (2005). Temperament, relationships, and young children’s receptive cooperation with their parents. Developmental Psychology, 41, 648–660

·         Kochanska, G., Boldt, L. J., Kim, S., Yoon, J. E., & Philibert, R. A. (2015). Developmental interplay between children’s biobehavioral risk and the parenting environment from toddler to early school age: Prediction of socialization outcomes in preadolescence. Development and Psychopathology,27(3), 775–790. http://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000777

·         Kochanska, G., & Kim, S. (2014). A Complex Interplay Among the Parent-Child Relationship, Effortful Control, and Internalized, Rule-Compatible Conduct in Young Children: Evidence from Two Studies. Developmental Psychology, 50(1), 10.1037/a0032330. http://doi.org/10.1037/a0032330

Tips for Tantrums

Oh Tantrums...something every parent goes through, right? But why do they happen? What can I do when my child has a tantrum? Hopefully these tips can help you and your child work through tantrums.

First, lets face it, tantrums are not fun. They always seem to happen at the most inconvenient time and place. Maybe it’s at the store or a bank or a hospital. Sometimes it happens in public and that’s when it’s most embarrassing, right? Sometimes children get so out of control that you don’t even recognize your child anymore. They went from being so sweet to a ball of chaos all because you said it’s time to leave the playground and go home. “No! I want to play!”

So why do Tantrums happen?

Well, usually it’s because the child might be hungry, bored, tired, stressed, or overstimulated.

Sometimes, however, it might be their age.

If your child is 18-36 months, then tantrums are normal. Sorry…

During this age kids are trying to figure out their feelings and making their own decisions. It’s a hard life for a 3 year old.

I child might also fall apart if they are trying to succeed at something new. If a child is putting a puzzle together, but can’t quite get his fine motor skills to work he might just burst into tears.

Trying to get along with peers can also set off a tantrum.

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How can parents prevent a Tantrum?

First, if you are going out with your child, make sure they aren’t tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. Remember the snickers commercials?

Second, talk to your child. Make it clear that you will not be buying candy at the grocery store. If you do have to go through that aisle have your child close their eyes until you are out, or maybe they can bring their favorite toy with them to hug when they are sad about no candy.

Third, look for warning signs of a tantrum. Sometimes children will start to turn red or their voice will get higher when they are beginning to lose control. If you start to see these signs in your child take a moment to try and calm them down and understand what they are feeling. Use words like mad or sad so he’ll learn to use those words instead of acting out. Lastly, try to stop a tantrum in process with a distraction. Maybe going for a walk or singing a song together will help make them feel better.

How do you handle a Tantrum?

If you can leave the child alone and he is safe, let him be. Let him have his tantrum and walk away. Let him know that you know he can control his feelings and when he does you can talk about it. If it helps him soothe himself you can bring him a blanket or a stuffed animal. If you can’t leave him alone because you are in a public place, try holding him. Sometimes a firm hold or hug can help the child. Or take them to your car or outside to a field or park if close by. If your child starts to kick or hit sit them in your lap and hug his arms and put one of your legs over his legs. The parent needs to make sure that the child can express themselves, but not hurt themselves or others. Let the child know that hitting, biting, or scratching will not be tolerated. Your child might try coming back to you seeking comfort, give them your attention if they are willing to talk without getting upset. If they are still upset and come to you, don’t engage until they have calmed down, if you do engage while he is upset he will most likely fall apart again.

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When should I be worried?

Most tantrums last anywhere from 5-15 minutes. If they last longer and happen multiple times a day or a week talk to your doctor. Remember it could also be the age of the child. Also check to see if your child is hungry or tired, this may stop a tantrum from happening, YAY!

Lastly if you are really concerned and would like to have your child evaluated look for a child psychiatrist or psychologist. (Hint: call Help Me Grow if you need helping find this type of resource, we would love to help)

Source: Mastering Anger and Aggression, The Brazelton Way, By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D.

~ Miriam

When Kids (Kind Of) Obey

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It's always funny to me when you have a kid who you let know they're not supposed to do something, like "don't take food out of the kitchen" and they listen to you...in a way. They will take their food and stand on the edge of the kitchen, not quite in the living room, watching TV while they eat. Prime example, I told my 6 year old nephew to stay away from my wedding dress as my mom and I cleaned it, and he scooted so that he was only a few inches away from it, but not touching it, as requested.

I don't think I'm alone in being around kids who like to "toe the line" so to speak. When you think about it, it makes sense why they do it. Childhood is about learning and exploring their environment, learning the things they can and can't do, learning how to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and what will leave them in trouble. Here are some tips that I've found can be helpful with the "line toe-ers" in my life.

Speak in a calm voice

• With my nephew, yelling at him doesn't work. He will either cover his ears, or just get mad. When I am reacting, instead of calmly acting to his actions, we both end up upset.

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Explain why you have the limitations

• When I explained to my nephew why he couldn't touch my dress, that it was for my wedding and it can get dirty easily, he was much more willing to comply. Calmly explaining the reasoning behind my requests or denials helps him to learn and understand, and can take some of the mystery out of the objects. With my nieces and nephews when they're young, letting them know that something is "owie" would often prevent them from trying to get into something that could hurt them.

Give them something to relate to

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• Telling kids a story relating to the concept that you are teaching helps them to be able to understand what you are saying. I told my nephew a story about a group of people who weren't supposed to eat chocolate cake, since it was bad for them. A man got them to eat chocolate cake by first introducing chocolate chip cookies, then doubling the amount of chips in each cookie, etc, until the people were used to eating chocolate cake. I then related it to his actions, about trying to get away with some little things, and how it can lead to doing bigger things wrong.

Let them know it's okay to make mistakes

• We all make mistakes. It's part of learning. Letting kids know that it's OK to make mistakes, but that they need to learn from them, helps them to accept limits, and give them a secure environment to explore. 

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Explore with them

• When kids are curious about something, explore it with them! Then they don't have to break the rules to find out what they are curious about, and it gives you time to be together. When you explore together, kids can do it in a safe way, and you don't end up with a huge mess when they get into a cupboard or shelf they aren't supposed to.

What are some other ways that you have found help your kids to not toe the line and push boundaries?

-Kim

Working With Your Child's Temperament

Every child is born with a temperament that is the building blocks of their adult personality and emotionality. In a previous post, we discussed different types of temperament, the importance of goodness of fit, and things parents should keep in mind. Now we want to provide some tips for helping children with different temperaments, but first it's important to know the 9 characteristics of temperament.

1. Activity Level: physical activity and motion
2. Approach and withdrawal: how your child responds to a new thing (bold vs. hesitant)
3. Adaptability: to what degree of ease your child adjusts to change or new situations
4. Intensity: positive or negative response levels to a situation
5. Mood: your child’s tendency to respond in a negative or positive way
6. Distractibility: How easily your child can be distracted from a task due to environmental stimulus
7. Sensory Threshold: The amount of stimulation in order to elicit a response in the child
8. Regularity: The predictability of your child’s biological functions including sleep and eating 
9. Persistence: How long a child spends on one activity, even when it becomes difficult

Now that we know the 9 characteristics, here are some tips for specific temperaments.

 Very Active Child: provide quieter activities, ask teachers to provide special jobs when the child is restless so she can move around, teach her how to calm down when she is overactive (breathing, rubbing back, etc.).

Less Active Child: Play quieter activities, introduce more active activities, limit television time.

The Sensitive Child: Lower lights and sounds in your home, allow him to help with cooking so that they can smell and taste food during preparation, speak quietly when he is upset.

The Less Sensitive Child: provide activities and toys that provide light and sound, have him stop to look around to notice messes or beautiful things he may not initially notice.

The Expressive (Intense) Child: Encourage turn taking, provide dramatic games, stay calm when she has strong emotions, remind her to stop, think, and act.

The Less Expressive (Intense) Child: Make sure he is getting enough attention, listen to him, ask teachers to encourage him to express himself, appreciate him for who he is.

The Very Persistent Child: Encourage flexibility with activities, don’t give in all the way, read longer stories to her, let teachers know she can need notice before switching activities.

The Less Persistent Child: Help the child complete tasks, keep games and stories shorter, offer small rewards for completing jobs, break larger projects down.

The Distracted Child: provide step-by-step instructions rather than a general task, encourage activities away from the TV and other distractions, keep activities short.

The Less Distracted Child: encourage activities that take greater focus, allow extra time to think about things before giving an answer, understand it may take more to get her attention.

The Adaptable Child: encourage to make new friends, provide field trips to new places, change chores and rewards often.

The Less Adaptable Child: Help the child make new friends, discuss big changes like moves or the death of a pet, warn her about upcoming changes, keep a routine as much as possible.

The Routine Child: Keep routines as much as possible and provide warning for changes, choose a more structured childcare program, bring snacks if his familiar meal routine will be disrupted, take familiar objects on trips to keep routines similar to home.

The No Routine Child: make routines a game or add songs, encourage some activities that require routines, occasionally switch up family routines.

The Happy Child: introduce him to friends who may be more serious, encourage sensitivity, let him know that everyone feels unhappy sometimes, encourage service.

The Less Happy Child: plan fun family outings, provide games that fit his interests, let him know you appreciate him, help label feelings, read funny books and talk about laughter.

Hopefully these tips will give you ideas on how you can help your child with their unique temperament. 

Keys to a Strong Parenting Foundation

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Think back through your recent parenting journey. Can you think of a time when you felt like there was so much more to parenting than you had ever thought possible? There is so much joy and excitement with having kids, but somehow parenting can easily end up being more than you imagined before those little munchkins came into your life. A good part of that comes from the fact that we’re overwhelmed with messages of perfect parenting. The endless Pinterest pins, mommy bloggers, cute kids posted on Facebook and more. It’s tiring!

I have served side-by-side with parents for six years now. In that time, the things I have learned led me to three things that I consider foundational for parents to know, understand, and use to simplify their role. Parenting is as easy as this:

1. child development,
2. temperament,
3. and emotion management.

Child Development. Parents should be aware of what is typical for their child’s age and where their child is in his/her development. This can easily be adjusted for parents with kids who have special needs as well. Fortunately, there are a lot of great resources out there that give you the milestones. I encourage you to learn more about your child’s development at these websites:

Facts About Child Development

The Child Development Guide

Temperament. Your child’s temperament is the foundation for his/her personality. It helps you understand who he/she is and how he/she will react in situations. It’s also important to understand your own temperament as the parent. How your temperaments interact with one another will affect your parenting. Help Me Grow has previously done a post about temperament, which will help you understand further: Parenting and Children's Temperament

Emotion Management. Let’s face it: there are times when you don’t want to be your child’s parent, and there are times when your heart is bursting with pride, joy, love and you endlessly want to cuddle with your child. As parents we’re tasked to teach our kids about their emotions and manage our own. This can be a hard thing to balance. Here’s a great Help Me Grow blog post to help you do so: Helping Children Recognize and Manage Their Emotions

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There is no doubt that parenting is the most rewarding job you’ll ever have! But it will also cause you to bang your head endlessly with questions about how to handle your children. Focus on these three things to simplify your approach on parenting and you’ll find you’re taking greater steps toward becoming the parent you imagined yourself to being!

"Who is my Child?"

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On Wednesday, at our "Ready to Learn" Parent group, we had a fantastic presentation done on child temperaments. Previous to this class, I had no idea what this meant, and after learning about it, I think this knowledge could be a parents best friend!

A temperament is how a person usually acts and every person is made up of several different traits. Understanding temperament is important because it affects how much your child learns, how well he or she behaves and how happy your child can be.

As you read through the traits, think about where your child might fall on the spectrum- then you can use that information to learn more about how you can help your child use those traits to their best advantage.

The Traits of Temperament are as follows:

• Activity Level: How active is my child? Very active or less active?

• Sensitivity to Senses: How sensitive is my child to light, smells, sound and touching? 

• Awareness of Feelings: How aware is my child of feelings and emotions?

• Strength of Expression: How strongly does my child express feelings, wants and opinions?

• Persistence: How does my child stick with and complete a task?

• Distractibility: How does my child pay attention? Not distracted or easily distracted?

• Ability to Change: How does my child adapt to change? Enjoys it or prefers the familiar?

• Need for Physical Routine: How much routine does my child need? prefers routine, or likes variety?

• Usual Mood: What is my child's mood most of the time?

Once you identify where your child fits in with these traits, then you can learn more about that specific temperament from the website here! (it starts on page 16). Under each trait, there are tips for working with your child and helping them use their temperaments to their (and your) advantage! 

If you have any additional ideas about children temperaments, let us know by commenting below. 

Also, our Aspire and Ready to Learn Parenting classes happen on the third Wednesday of every month at the Utah Department of Health in Provo. Its free and pizza and a lesson are provided! Come join us next month! 

Parenting and Children's Temperament

Parenting doesn't happen in a vacuum; parenting is an interactive situation. Children also have styles, or temperaments, which mesh with their parents' style, each affecting the other. Children are born with a tendency toward reacting to people and events in specific ways. This preferred way of responding is called temperament. Children in the same family often have different temperaments, and parents who have several children are likely to recognize the differences and to react differently to each child. For example, a parent would probably respond quite differently to an overly active, impulsive child than to a shy, timid child. She probably would discourage impulsive behavior in the overly active child but encourage assertive behavior in the shy child.

Differences in children's temperament can be seen even in infancy. Researchers have delineated three broad styles of temperament, as follows:

• Easy children are calm, happy, adaptable, regular in sleeping and eating habits, positive in mood and interested in new experiences.

• Difficult children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, low in adaptability, fearful of new people and situations, easily upset, high strung, and intense in their reactions.

• Slow to warm up children are relatively inactive, reflective, tend to withdraw or to react negatively to novelty, but their reactions gradually become more positive with experience.

 It's the mix or the "goodness of fit" between parent and child that matters most. The match or mismatch between a child and parent determines the harmony between them. Temperament, however, is not set in stone. Although temperament has been shown to be consistent over time, family environment and life experiences can make a difference. Parents who are sensitive to their child's temperamental style and can recognize the child's unique strengths, will make family life smoother. For example, when faced with a new situation, a parent of a slow to warm up child may need to be patient and allow him more time to assess a situation. A difficult child may need advance rehearsal of the expected behavior to help her deal with the new situation.

Obviously, parents and children are individuals and not easily categorized. Most will show characteristics of several styles, but over time, one style generally prevails.

What parents should keep in mind

• Think about how your own temperament style meshes with your child's temperamental style.

• Be attuned to your child's temperament and encourage her to accomplish tasks at her own pace.

• Make your expectations clear. Setting limits will help your child develop self control.
• Encourage children to work with you on generating solutions to problems.
• Make communication a priority. Be open to discussion; take time to explain your decisions and motives and listen to your children's point of view.
• Make them aware that their opinions are respected, but remain firm in your decisions.
• Respect each child's individual strengths and don't compare children.

For more information aboutAnita Gurian's article entitled "Parenting Styles/Children's Temperaments: The Match" visit  http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/parenting_styleschildren039s_temperaments_match