Does Birth Order Impact Parenting and Child Development?

If you grew up with siblings or have multiple children, you probably understand the major effect that birth order has on family dynamics. We all know the stereotypes about how oldest, middle, and youngest children likely behave and what their place in the family means about their future achievement and success. Everyone probably has a story about how they were impacted by older or younger siblings and how they were treated differently by their parents. I could probably write a book on my opinion and experiences with birth order and family dynamics (middle child here!), but I really wondered how much birth order impacts a child’s development and the way parents interact with their children.

Special Time: Beyond Just One-On-One Time

When talking to families about special time, parents often respond, “I already spend all day with my children.” I love hearing when parents are able to be home and enjoy spending time with their children! I also wanted to highlight some of the features that set “special time” apart and the benefits it can offer to ALL families; whether you are home with your children all day or not. 

What is Special Time? 

Child-directed one-on-one playtime between a parent and child. It is time you set apart in your day specifically to be with your child. As it becomes a pattern in your home, they will recognize it by the title- whether you call it “special time” or whether you name it after your child. (ex. “Johnny time”)

The Fundamentals of 'fun' in Parenting

Parenting is not easy – but it can be fun! Amidst the sleepless nights, the tears and tantrums, and so many other demands, we can still infuse humor, joy, and playfulness. In fact, play and silliness can make those challenging moments lighter!

Serve and Return

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Anyone who has played volleyball or tennis knows that the ball is in play when the first serve soars over the net.  And that the play is over when one player wins and leaves the court. Something similar happens between a baby and his parent when the baby catches the parent’s attention with sounds and body movement (serve) and the parent responds with direct eye contact, soft sounds, questions and touch (return).  This play can go on quite happily until the baby tires.  It is the basis for healthy attachment and the foundation for many developmental skills such as speech and problem solving.

But - If the mom stops the play before the baby is ready, he will try every skill he has learned to get her back, from persuasive coos to sharp screams, to whole body movements and sad crying.  The Still Face experiment done in 1975 shows this sequence very clearly.  It demonstrates  how completely engaged baby and Mom are until Mom is requested to show a blank, unmoving face to her child .  In some painfully long minutes the baby tries every “serve”  she can think of to entice mom back into play.  Watch her when she succeeds.

The  most important influence on early brain development is the real-life serve and return interaction with caring adults.  This only happens with real people, in real time.  The next time your baby serves you an invitation to play, get on eye level and return that serve with one of your own grins.  You’ll both be winners at that game.

-Robin

Being "Good Enough" on the Circle of Security®

This is a follow-up to our original post on the Circle of Security®.

Parents function both as a “secure base” from which their child can explore the world and as a “safe haven” to which the child can return when she needs comforting or reassurance. When we (as parents) can do a good enough job at this, our children will feel comfortable going out and discovering the world, learning new things all the time. They will also feel good about seeking help and support from others, whenever they need it, and to share their experiences so they don’t feel alone.

Typically, people are stronger on one side on the circle than the other. Some parents are much better at supporting independence and exploration (the top half of the circle). And some of us love to cuddle and protect, supporting safety (the bottom half of the circle). Take a moment to look around the circle and see where you feel the strongest!

This Circle of Security^® (see this blog post from 27 May 2015) starts to develop in the first year of life. As we grow from being a baby to being a child, and from a child into an adult, we internalize over time how these needs are met. “When I am scared, I can go to my dad and he will comfort me” or “when I am excited about a new toy, my mom will enjoy with me and she will let me take my time to explore it.”  We usually can’t put these lessons into words very easily, but we feel them in our whole being. 

You may notice that you find yourself uncomfortable with the opposite side. For instance, a parent who loves to stimulate independence may cringe at “coddling” their baby. Such parents are wary of creating a child that becomes overly dependent and can’t do anything on its own. On the other hand, a parent who loves to keep their child safe and secure may become anxious at letting the child roam too far. Such a parent may just want to protect their child from anything, whether it is truly dangerous or simply threatening the parent’s own sense of security.

For example, some parents have a hard time hearing their baby cry or seeing their older child upset. Most of us want to see our children happy! Parents who feel secure with unpleasant emotions know that children learn resilience and problem-solving from having difficult experiences. But some parents feel threatened by their children’s suffering, and it upsets them personally. This is related to the parent’s temperament but also to how their own Circle of Security developed when they were children. You can’t give what you do not have.

Young children are sensitive to emotions and to subtle expressions in parents’ faces, bodies, and voices. And when they notice that their parent is not comfortable with certain aspects of the Circle, children quickly learn to miscue their needs. Even though children do not come with a written manual, they all give out cues for what they need. These cues are signals for specific needs that the child has. For instance, reaching out his arms and looking up at his caregiver are cues that a baby wants to be picked up and be close to his mom or dad. Before they are a year old, infants learn that their caregivers are comfortable with some cues, but not comfortable with others. Discovering this (all without words), babies begin to send out “miscues” – a cue that is misleading or contradicts what the child really needs.

For example, if a parent really values independence, they may encourage their child to self-soothe, solve their own problems before helping them, and playing independently as much as they can. But all children need both halves of the circle. If the parent feels uneasy about comforting their child when she is upset, the child may learn that the only way to get the parents attention is by becoming whiney, or defiant, or out of control (whatever it is that catches the parent’s attention). So the need in this case would be: “I need closeness and comfort, mom” but the cue might be “I’m acting out so that you have to pay attention to me.” Some children learn to not express their needs at all, and they seem to communicate “I don’t need anyone”, while they still do.

As a real-life example, consider a 4-year-old girl who bumps into her little brother as she comes running through the room and crashes into her mom. Her mom is not happy with this and asks, “What did you do that for?” The girl shows a wide grin and her mom gets more irritated, “It’s not funny. You just hurt me, and you hurt your little brother, too. You’d better go into time out for a few minutes!” Upon this, the girl starts to whine, “No”, and she lets herself fall onto the floor. Later, they talk about it and she says, “Mommy, I was just afraid you were going to go away and I didn’t know when you would be back.” The child’s need in this case is closeness to the mom, and being assured that the mom will not leave her (or will be back soon). But the cue that the child gave was: I need boundaries and discipline, as I am hurting you and others. This is a miscue. If the parents only focus on the behavior, the issue is likely to continue, because the child’s need (for reassurance) is not met.

Miscues are very hard to deal with, because they are usually not obvious. As parents, we always need to figure out what is going on when children act out or get upset. Some patterns are clearly recognizable and straightforward (e.g., she acts like this when she is tired; she just needs a nap).  Others are not: we may keep correcting our child’s behavior over and over again, unsuccessfully, because the outward behavior is a miscue of what the real underlying need is. As parents, we can only try to find out what it is that the child needs. And trying to do this, until we find how to help our child, makes us good enough parents, even if we don’t get it right the first time!

We all have learned which cues (for which needs) are safe, and which ones we’d better cover up or ‘translate’ into another cue. As a parent, it is really hard to know sometimes what it is that your child needs in that moment. Sometimes, it is love, hugs, and acknowledgement of emotions (the bottom half of the circle). Sometimes, it is clear expectations for what the limits are (the top half of the circle). Often, if we are baffled by our child’s behavior, it is because they miscue us. It is up to us to do the detective work to find out what the underlying need on the circle is! 

-Ilse

Infant Attachment

Have you ever thought about the first several years of your life? Can you remember them? Adults vaguely hold memories from before they were six years old, and even more rarely before they were three. As I thought about it, I began to wonder if these early years influence our development in later life even though we can't remember them. 

As I studied more, I found myself looking at the relationships between parent and child. If we can't remember early childhood, do parent child interactions even matter? 

It wasn't until I learned about attachment that these questions were answered.


Attachment is building a bond between parent and child. The four different styles of attachment are differentiated by the influences the parent has on their child.

Turns out that though we can not remember most of our memories from early childhood, the bond and trust that is created, or not created during infancy, can carry throughout childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood!

 Of the different styles of attachment shown in the diagram on the left, the secure attachment is the ideal.

Babies with a secure attachment often feel more confident in themselves. They feel more apt to explore new surroundings and know that their caregiver will be there to reassure them along the way.

One of the best ways to build a secure attachment is to respond to the child's needs, especially during infancy (birth to about the age of two). It is so important to know that YOU CANNOT SPOIL AN INFANT! Responding does not spoil the child, but reassures them that their needs will be met. For example, if they are hungry, the child learns that he or she will be fed, or if they are scared, that mommy or daddy will comfort them. A secure attachment develops as parents are consistent, and are quick to respond.

When parents respond to their children, they have more positive outcomes, but will still have their fussy moments that include various types of crying. When an infant cries, they are not trying to be annoying, but are getting their caregiver's attention so their needs can be met! Because verbal communication doesn't begin until about age one, crying is a helpful way for infants to communicate. They might be communicating that they are hungry, need a diaper change, are too hot, tired, lonely, or even over stimulated (mayoclinic.org-crying newborns).            

Photo Credit: Crazy80frog | Dreamstime

As I learned about attachment, I learned that by listening to cues like crying, parents can be more aware of their children's needs. When they respond consistently and sensitively, they can encourage a secure attachment with their child, which will give them confidence and reassurance that will follow them into the later stages of their life. 

The Circle of Security®

Imagine a toddler in the park: toddling along happily, arms stretched to the side, happy smile on his face. He seems to even forget his mom and dad are right behind him. He’s so enthusiastic! Then, a bird flutters up and it both excites him and scares him a little. He looks behind him, searching for familiar eyes, and gives a big smile at his mom, pointing at the bird.

All of us, no matter how old or young, have two basic needs: we want to explore the world, learn, and be independent. At the same time, we are dependent on others: we need love, support, trust, and security from other people. The Circle of Security^® beautifully describes how of the needs for exploration and security are far from polar opposites: they are part of the same process. Let’s explore the circle!

The parent’s role is shown as two hands that serve as a “secure base” from which a child can safely explore and as a “safe haven” to which the child can return for comfort and support. The role of the parent is summed up as, “Always be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. Whenever possible: follow my child’s need. Whenever necessary: take charge.” When the parent serves as a secure base, the child can play, discover, and enjoy himself, while safe and secure. 

When children run off to play on their own, this doesn’t mean that they suddenly don’t need their parents any longer. In a crawling infant, parents need to be there to make sure the environment is safe, to help when baby needs support, and share in their discoveries. A preschool child can go explore for longer and may sometimes seem to forget the parent. But they may suddenly shout out: “Daddy, look!” when they want to demonstrate a cool new skill on the playground. As children grow, their circles will extend and become larger; but they will always maintain the need to come back, share, and feel supported in their explorations of the big, wide world. Older children will mainly share through their stories and talking with their parents.

The bottom of the circle shows children’s needs for comfort and connectedness. Small infants will simply cry to show that they need closeness. Toddlers can decide to move closer to their parent, or put their arms up in a “pick-me-up” gesture. Preschoolers can be clingy sometimes, to the exasperation of their parents. But clingy behaviors show a need to reconnect until they feel sure that they are safe enough to go out on their own again. By getting comforted, children “fill their cup.” When their cup is full, the desire to explore and discover the world will naturally arise again.  Again, the older children grow, the more they will seek closeness by using their words: sharing situations that made them sad, or trying to make sense of things that they struggle with.

The role of the parent is always to be a stable secure base and safe haven; to be stronger, wiser, and kind. Are we always able to do this? No! Parents, like all people, are not perfect. And they don't need to be. All that children need to develop a secure attachment is “good enough” parents that get it right most of the time!.

Bedtime Stories: Healing Relationships in Our Home

Rough Day

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It was a long day. You know the kind. The to-do list was unmanageable to begin with and somehow grew as the hours passed. My youngest two had been bickering from the get-go. “He took my rhino costume!” “He won’t stop singing!” “I was gonna be the blue ninja first!” I had had it. They had had it. Thankfully it was getting dark outside- bedtime was fast approaching. We put on P.J.’s, brushed teeth and said prayers. I told them to go upstairs and go to sleep. My four year old said what he always says at bedtime, “I can never sleep without bedtime stories” in his sweetest, most imploring voice. (Not at all like the voice I heard just moments before as he yelled at his brother for using the toothpaste first).

Books and the Brother Bond

I didn’t want to read stories. I wanted to clean up from dinner, write a paper for class, help my daughter with her homework, persuade the older boys to get in the shower, or any number of other things. Then it dawned on me: my first grader can read now. Relieved, I told him he should read to his brother tonight. Surprisingly, they both turned around, heads and shoulders drooping, and trudged upstairs. As I loaded the dishes and wiped the food from the counters I thought of articles about how important it is to read to your child (articles like this and this) valuable articles from Reading Is Fundamental, for example, that scientifically prove the merits of reading for a young child’s development of language and literacy. I thought about what a privilege it is to end the day in quiet, tender moments sharing books. Was I really so busy I couldn't spare ten minutes to read to my babies? Was I really that tired? Reading is not something I have to do but something I get to do as a parent. I made my way upstairs to find this:

  

I caught my breath as a single tear released the day’s stress. Of all the benefits of reading to my children, perhaps the most important is what it does to strengthen our bond. Books and language connect us. As we draw our children close and share a story, the hard moments melt away. We can make story time a healing time. It is an opportunity to set all else aside and say to our children “You matter more than all that other stuff I have to do.” I was delighted to realize that the magic of story time was working on their relationship too. No more arguments, no grudges, all was forgotten in the joy of the bedtime story.  

Worth Every Word

The beauty of parenting is in the contrasts. This moment could never have been so precious were it not for the difficult day. I live for these moments. I seek them out and try to remind myself when I find them that this is what it is all for. In the midst of the parenting chaos, genuine connection matters most. And every story is important.